I have a powerful child!

Letter of the week: Hello there, I hope you can give me even a little advice. I have a 7-year-old little boy who is making life very hard for the whole family. He is a lovely little guy BUT he has these moments whereby he is explosive, loud and aggressive. When he is having these moments he seems impossible to control. I don't want to smack him to control the situation so I have resolved to yelling at him just to stop the behaviour, which usually involves an assault on his younger brother. I am constantly crying and second-guessing my parenting, and he is nothing like any other children I have. I have 5 children altogether. He is highly intelligent so I don't have a problem with his development, but rather his behaviour. I don't want to consider medication.

Hi — thank you for this. I could feel your heart and emotion in this email and I thank you for sharing. Let's start. One thing in your email stands out like a lighthouse: "HE IS NOTHING LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD I HAVE." This stands out to me because I see that this is where the problem lies — and thus the hope in seeing a solution through this lighthouse.

Stay with me. He is nothing like any other child — he acts completely contrary to anything you have seen or experienced. This means that it is new, unknown and uncharted territory. A scary place to be, especially when you have a lot of parenting experience. Let's look at your child: he is unlike any of the other four. So he thinks, feels and acts completely differently. Could it be, perhaps dear lady, that you are using the same tactics for parenting this special guy as you have the other four — and it's not working?

Each child is 100% different to the other. Although most may seem to be and act the same, they are however different. Obviously the answer to your question is to change the way you parent this child. One size clearly does not fit all.

He isn't the same. He is active — get him into sports, as many as you can. He is explosive — get to know what his triggers are and help him manage them by setting a safe boundary. Words like "Right, you're upset now — use your words to tell me what is happening." He is loud — have quiet time at home with him and help him use his voice well. He is aggressive — aggression is usually very good friends with frustration. When some children feel frustrated they become aggressive as they aren't able to express how they feel. When he becomes aggressive, stop what you are doing and help him regulate his behaviour with boundaries.

He knows he is different in behaviour to everyone else, and may perhaps sense that from you too. Spend time alone with him. Invest in him when he is at his worst. Date your little boy. Try to get into his world — try to see things the way he sees them, and stop trying to make him fit the mould made for the other four, which he clearly doesn't fit.

Emotive children need a lot more attention, and he may not know how to ask for it. Looking at baby pictures of him, holding him, kissing him, and encouraging him daily will reap special rewards for you. Baby steps — do one new thing with him every day. It must be hard to do anything with five kids, but children need quality time, not quantity. So make your 10 minutes with him count. See what his world can show you. Walk in his shoes. Pick him up early from school — anything will make a difference.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself. We all learn by our shortcomings — it's our ability to make a change that really defines us. Try to have a little you-time as well, dear, to get the fuel you need as you handle the next generation. Well done to you. Well done on asking for advice. Let's chat again soon. Go gently! — Maria